


Angels Grow Horns

by EightLeggedFox



Series: Remedy [4]
Category: Wanna One (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-14
Updated: 2019-06-14
Packaged: 2020-05-07 18:22:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19214974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EightLeggedFox/pseuds/EightLeggedFox
Summary: It takes a lot to break a person, to truly break them until their reflection in the mirror doesn't even show anymore. Jihoon always thought he had it good. That he was lucky—blessed, even—to have an angel to catch him despite a few misfortunes coming his way.He learns the hard way that even angels have their wiles.





	Angels Grow Horns

**Author's Note:**

> Prequel to [Scared To Be Lonely](https://archiveofourown.org/works/18769519)

 

_Even angels have their wicked schemes. And you really took that to a whole new extreme._

 

* * *

 

 

 

It's hot. Unbelievably hot. Like a scalding kettle melds itself in his hand the moment he picks it up from the stove, burning with so much heat. Cooking the surface of his palm until it starts to smell.

"Jihoon."

A jostle, the force of the movement coming from his right that immediately sparks a searing pain to his right leg. He tries to scream, but all that comes out is ragged air.

"Jihoon-ah."

The world shifts a little and he realizes he's on the ground. There's broken glass everywhere, strewn all over the floor and on top of him. He can hear people screaming, gasping, but the sound is pushed back the moment he sees the blood. So much blood. What in the world could make this much blood?

"Jihoon!"

He jolts up, gasping and breathing as if he just ran a marathon. The blood is gone, and so is the glass-strewn concrete floor. He blinks a few times, eyes adjusting to the darkness of the room that's thankfully familiar. A sudden hand on his face makes him flinch a little, before he realizes who it is and he starts to relax a bit.

"It's okay. It's just a bad dream," Minhyun whispers beside him, wiping away the tears he doesn't even notice are flowing down his face. Jihoon closes and eyes and focuses on the feeling of Minhyun's hands, his voice, his presence; counting to ten in calming breaths.

It's been six months since the accident. Five since he got out of the hospital after his wounds have healed. The loss, however, feels like an eternity.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Minhyun says, a hand still cupping his cheek when Jihoon shakes his head.

"It's just the same dream...I'm sorry if I woke you."

Minhyun chuckles a little, the sound instantly bringing a wash of warmth straight to his chest. "The sun's up anyway. And my class starts in a few hours."

It doesn't bring as much relief as the statement is intended though. Jihoon knows Minhyun's been working extra hard lately, being an undergrad fighting through finals and all. Minhyun would never admit it, but Jihoon knows he needs all the shut-eye he can get.

"C'mon." Minhyun scoots back to his pillows, tapping the space beside him. "Cuddling always makes you feel better."

Jihoon smiles at him, conceding and taking the space beside him to snuggle up in his arms. Minhyun is right though, and in the space of a few minutes of soft breaths and idle fingers tracing randomly on each other's skin, the nightmare soon disappears from the confines of his mind.

They've developed a routine now, on days when Jihoon doesn't have to go to work at the cafe outside of campus. He's long since dropped out of school since the accident due to financial reasons, so nowadays he devotes his responsibilities to helping Minhyun in whatever way he can around the house.

Small everyday tasks to make himself useful, like making him a breakfast sandwich while he showers and gets ready for his classes, and running the coffee maker and pouring it in his tumbler before he passes them to him when he reaches their front door to leave.

"You look really handsome," Jihoon says as he watches him put on his shoes, earning him a smile that lights up his entire soul.

"Thanks," Minhyun says, leaning down to drop a kiss on his forehead before taking the brown lunch bag he’d packed. "And for these too."

"You're welcome. I'll see you later." Jihoon smiles, feeling his cheeks warming. "I love you."

He gets another kiss, and all too soon the front door clicks close and he's left alone in Minhyun's apartment again. This is the worst part about his days off, he thinks. Every one of his friends are attending classes in campus and he's literally left here for the duration of the day just waiting for Minhyun to come home. Jihoon usually occupies himself with chores and making sure his boyfriend comes back to a really tidy house, but there's only so much chores to do within their small flat.

He stares at the expensive looking keyboard occupying half of Minhyun's desk by the window; a gift from his friends for his birthday last month. He ought to give it a go and actually use it like his friends want him to, but even the mere idea of playing the instrument brings a sharp twist in his chest.

Jihoon grabs his phone instead, picking up on the game he's been playing.

 

It's half-past six when he breaks the lazy daze and starts to move around again, starting cooking something for dinner—with the meal being instant ramen since he doesn't really know how to cook anything else. It's better than nothing at least, and since Minhyun's classes end at seven, he's often hungry by the time he reaches home. When Jihoon's finished pouring the hot contents of the pot into two bowls, he sits at their little dining table and watches the time tick while he waits from Minhyun.

The next thing he knows, someone is shaking his shoulders and nudging him awake. He opens his eyes to see Minhyun standing over him, and a quick glance at the clock he was staring at earlier tells him it’s already fifteen minutes past midnight.

“Hey, why are you sleeping here?” Minhyun asks, but Jihoon only notices how tired he looks.

“I was waiting for you.” His eyes land on the two bowls of ramen on the table, noodles all swollen and still completely untouched. Minhyun follows his gaze and just lets out a sigh.

“I should’ve texted you. Sorry, I was over at one of my classmate’s finishing up a paper,” he says, moving to pick up the food on the table and bringing it to the fridge. “You didn’t wait without eating anything did you?”

Jihoon just blinks at him, feeling a little groggy with hunger being the last thing on his mind. “Ah, don’t worry. I ordered chicken earlier. I just made the ramen ‘cause I thought you’d be hungry when you got back.” He smiles, the lie grating through his teeth.

“Good.” Minhyun smiles, stretching his arms up as he does. “I already had dinner too. I just wanna crash now.”

“Okay.” Jihoon nods, getting up from his seat. “You go ahead. I’ll just clean up here for a bit.”

Minhyun hums in agreement mid-yawn, kissing the side of Jihoon’s head when he passes him to his room. “Thanks, Jihoon. Goodnight.”

“Goodnight. I love you,” he answers back though the words only reach the door Minhyun’s already closed, leaving Jihoon to think how he could’ve sworn Minhyun wore a different perfume this morning.

 

***

 

“Hyung,” Jihoon calls out from the bedroom, grabbing Minhyun’s vibrating phone and walking over to where he’s shaving in the bathroom. “Someone’s calling you.”

“Hm?” Minhyun only looks at him through their reflection in the mirror, by which time the phone in Jihoon’s hand stops vibrating.

“Oh, they hung up,” Jihoon says, right before the phone buzzes with a text message that flashes across the screen. Jihoon reads it out loud. “Ren is asking you if you guys are still on tonight?”

He meets Minhyun’s gaze in the mirror again, blinking at him before going back to shaving his chin. “Can you type in a reply for me? Tell him I’ll meet him in twenty.”

Jihoon nods, doing as he’s told before clicking the phone locked. “I thought you were going out to finish a project tonight?”

“I am,” Minhyun answers in a beat, ever so focused on his task. “Ren’s from my bio class. We’re working on the same project together.”

“Ah.” Jihoon nods, smiling in his pout. “So he’s the guy who’s been taking you away from me.”

He hears a silent hiss, and the next thing Jihoon sees a spot of red on Minhyun's reflection in the mirror, oozing out of his milky white skin.

"Hyung!"

"I'm okay, it's just a—"

"I'll go get the first-aid kit."

Jihoon doesn't wait and rushes to the cabinet keeping the small red box of supplies. He quickly grabs what he needs and rushes back to the bathroom to catch Minhyun already washing the blood off his chin.

"Hold still," he says, dabbing the cut with some cotton and antiseptic, before pulling out a band-aid to cover it.

"It's just a small cut Jihoon, is this really necessary?" Minhyun playfully whines, even though he follows him and keeps still.

"There." Jihoon presses the sides of the band-aid just before he leans forward to kiss the covered wound. "You should be more careful next time. What would you do if I'm not here to kiss your boo-boos better."

"I think I'm old enough to take care of a small cut by myself." Minhyun chuckles.

"Well, as long as you have me you won't have to."

With his hands already placed around Minhyun's shoulders, Jihoon closes the few inches between them and captures his lips in his, warmth blooming in his chest and on the parts of his waist where Minhyun touches him. When he pulls back, he sees him with hooded eyes intently staring into his own. Heart drumming and head spinning, Jihoon leans in for a second kiss before pressing their bodies together and resting his head on Minhyun's shoulder.

"Don't go," he whispers against his neck, his lips trailing small pecks on the skin there. "Can't you do your project some other day? Stay here tonight. With me."

He can feel Minhyun's chest rumbling as he lets out a small laugh, and a kiss on the top of his head before he's being pulled away from their embrace.

"I wish I could Jihoon-ah," he says quietly, his gaze melting Jihoon's heart. "But I have to finish it if I want to reach my deadline."

He pouts at that, which gets him a small kiss on the nose to which he makes a little surprised noise.

"Don't worry. After my finals we can stay in bed for as long as you want. Just a few more weeks, okay?"

It's not like he was being completely serious about asking him to ditch school projects for his own selfish neediness, but Jihoon still finds comfort in the fact that Minhyun knows how much he misses him when he's away.

"Alright. Go finish that project so you can come home earlier." He smiles before letting him go and dropping his arms to the side. He watches Minhyun get dressed and fix his hair a bit, until they're at the front door where he's putting his shoes to go.

"Don't wait up for me, okay? You have an early shift tomorrow."

Jihoon nods, coming forward to kiss Minhyun's cheeks. "Don't overwork yourself. I love you."

Minhyun returns the kiss, smiles at him and gives him a small wave before taking off and closing the door behind him, leaving Jihoon alone in his apartment again.

 

***

 

"We brought chicken!!" Woojin announces the moment Jihoon opens the front door, barging inside.with Daehwi with tow.

"What is _he_ doing here?!" Jihoon rounds on the latter after he closes the door behind him, ignoring the glare Woojin throws at him.

"He saw me going out of the dorm and wanted to tag along," Daehwi answers, rolling his eyes. "Sorry hyung, but there's only so much I can do to repel him."

"I'm standing right here you know!" Woojin says from where he placed the box of chicken down at their dining table, arms crossing. "I should be offended that you didn't even think of inviting me."

"That's because the last time the two of us were left alone in a kitchen together, we almost burned your mom's house down." Jihoon smacks him in the arm in passing, opening the box Woojin brought to pick out a chicken wing.

"Ungrateful brat—!"

"Can we _please_ just get this over with? I'm meeting Jinyoung for dinner later and I am not going to be late because of you two," Daehwi says, striding over to the other side of the kitchen counter. "You got all the stuff I told you to buy?"

Jihoon nods, walking over to the fridge to bring out the ingredients.

"What are you guys doing?" Woojin asks, leaning over to peek.

"Coming here not even knowing what we're gonna do—" Jihoon mutters under his breath until Woojin slaps his arm. "Hey!"

"Jihoon's being a sweet boyfriend and asked me to help him make kimbap for Minhyun-hyung." Daehwi ignores them, joining the touch party and pinching Jihoon's cheeks. It takes everything in him not to smack his hand away.

"Aww, what a cute little housewif—OW!"

Woojin on the other hand, doesn't deserve his restraint.

"He's been working really hard for his finals recently, and he's been coming home late everyday for the past two weeks now," Jihoon says, a sigh of concern escaping his lips. "I just wanna surprise him with something, that's all."

"As if that makes it any less of what it sounds like," Woojin says, getting another smack on the arm.

"I'd have to agree with Woojin-hyung on that. It is awfully sweet." Daehwi smiles at him, and if Jihoon didn't know any better he'd say he's batting his eyelashes. "But as sweet as the sentiment is, these kimbap aren't going to make themselves. So start cutting the carrots. Woojin, make yourself useful and cook some rice. Even _you_ can't screw that up."

"Hey!"

Jihoon just laughs at them, grabbing his vegetables and starting to work.

It takes them an hour at least, but the results look _and_ taste amazing that Daehwi couldn't be more proud of himself and his kitchen elves. Jihoon's really proud too, thankful for his friends as he puts all their hard work and effort into a lunch box.

"Jinyoung just texted me saying his class is almost over," Daewhi says while idly scrolling through his phone and eating the chicken Woojin brought earlier with his other hand. "That's my cue to leave. Tell me how Minhyun-hyung likes it! Take photos!"

"I should go too. Wouldn't wanna be here when you gush and freak out about what you're going to wear later."

Woojin just barely escapes the chicken bone Jihoon chucks at him, sticking his tongue out when he hides behind Daehwi near the front door.

"Thanks for all the help guys. I'll text you later." He waves at them from the kitchen, and he just lets himself finish packing and cleaning up before he hops into the shower to get ready.

Contrary to what Woojin said, Jihoon doesn't gush or freak out over his clothes. He just picks out a random hoodie with what he thinks is the best matching track pants to go with it. He reaches for his phone and checks the last text Minhyun sent him saying that he'll be coming home late again and will be studying in the library all night before he steps out of their apartment.

 

Jihoon hasn't been to campus in a while since he dropped out, but the path he takes and the steps that lead to the library are still vivid and fresh in his memory. It's a little cool out with the sun just shy of setting on the horizon, with just a few people walking around for him to enjoy his own stroll. He hugs the lunchbox containing the kimbap close to his chest, smiling the whole way.

He reaches the library soon enough and his brain lags for a second the moment he steps inside. Half a year ago he used to be one of the people here; cramming on assignments, readings, and projects to write. Burning the midnight oil with his friends and stowing in junk food when the librarian isn't looking. There are a lot of memories here, ones that make the smile on his face grow bigger with every passing second.

"Jihoon?"

He looks over to where the voice calls him to his right, his heart skipping a little at the familiar face. "Oh, Jaehwan-hyung. Hi."

"Hey yourself." Jaehwan walks over with a smile, adjusting the strap of his backpack slung over his shoulder. "What brings you here?"

"Ah, I'm actually going to see Minhyun-hyung,” he says, pointing in the general direction of where they usually liked to sit before back when he was still studying. “He told me he was coming home late so I thought I'd bring him some dinner while he studies." He scratches the back of his head, and hearing himself say that out loud just reiterates how tooth-rottingly sweet this thing he's doing is.

"Oh, I guess he forgot to tell you. Minhyun-hyung already left a little while ago," Jaehwan says with a slight dip in his brows. "There's a small party going on at the M-Nets and he said he was going."

"Oh." Jihoon just blinks. This is news to him too. Although it's perfectly normal for Minhyun to go out drinking, there’s never been a time he hasn’t told Jihoon before. "Maybe I just haven't read his message yet."

"You wanna come? I was actually just heading there myself.” Jaehwan jerks his thumb towards the entrance. “I can drive us.”

“Ah, that’s okay hyung. I’m not really dressed and—”

“You look way better than half of us going there Jihoon-ah. What are you talking about?” Jaehwan laughs at him, slinging an arm across his shoulder and leading him out the library. “C'mon, it’ll be fun!”

Jihoon doesn’t really have a choice at this point, and he tries to be as polite and respectful as possible when Jaehwan brings him to his car. It’s only when they’re nearing the bar—the _only_ one near campus frequented by the entire student body—that Jihoon feels the slight regret of going through with this. For one, he looks like a homeless dropout (which he is) in just his oversized sweats; and he doesn’t think bringing a pink lunchbox full of homemade kimbap to your boyfriend in a bar says anything other than what the sentiment clearly implies.

“Umm, hyung? You think I can leave this here for a bit?” He asks Jaehwan after he finishes parking the car, pointing at the lunchbox in his lap. Thankfully, Jaehwan seems to get the hint.

“Sure. We can go pick it up again later once we find Minhyun-hyung.”

They exit the car then, and in seconds Jihoon’s senses are submerged in the dimly-lit enclave filled with loud party music, scattered chattering voices, and the strong smell of booze. The whole room feels alive and electric, so overwhelming that he doesn’t even notice how hard he’s gripping Jaehwan’s arm as they pass through the crowd until he points it out.

“Jihoon, relax. I’m here.”

“Ah, sorry.” He quickly lets go, earning him a laugh.

“So, do you want a drink? I can go grab us some beers while we look for Minhyun-hyung.”

“Umm, okay.” Jihoon nods, although he _definitely_ doesn’t want to be left alone right now. He’s never felt more out of place in his entire life. “I’ll go with you.”

On their way to the main bar, the music shifts to an electronic dance track that instantly shifts the atmosphere of the entire room. Everyone is now flowing against them, moving from the bars and craving to hit the dance floor; the feeling so contagious that even Jihoon feels his insides jumping in tune with the beat.

“Here, something light for you,” Jaehwan says when he passes him a beer bottle, winking at the knowledge that Jihoon doesn’t drink much. He nods his thanks and takes his first swig, feeling the sharpness hit his throat and heighten the rest of his senses. He takes another gulp and he feels lighter, relaxed, enough for him to physically bob his head along with the music now.

“Alright!!” Jaehwan suddenly yells to no one in particular after downing an entire bottle of beer, an eruption of loud cheers and clapbacks following him. Jihoon raises his bottle up too, smiling and watching Jaehwan open his second round.

“God I really needed this. School has been hell lately,” Jaehwan says when he gets back beside Jihoon, clinking their drinks together. “You okay there Jihoon-ah?”

“Yeah, I’m great hyung. Thanks.”

“That’s my boy!” He gets a head lock in one of Jaehwan’s arms again, almost dropping his beer when he pulls at him. “Oh! I think I see Min—”

Jihoon feels a laugh escaping his lungs when Jaehwan’s grip on his neck loosens. He’s even about to retaliate, until he hears him say ‘fuck’ behind his breath.

“What’s wrong?” Jihoon asks, waking Jaehwan out of his short stupor. He feels a strong hand flying to his shoulder in the next second, probably to prevent him from turning around to follow the trail his eyes were at but he’s too late. Jihoon sees it.

There’s a thud and the sound of glass breaking. Something wet and cold splashing near his ankles that he vaguely registers is his own drink spilling. The odd sensation is then followed by a small shriek from a girl not too far from where he’s standing, alerting one of the baristas and to anyone else nearby of the sudden glass hazard. It all happens in a span of five seconds, but Jihoon barely registers any of this as his eyes glue themselves to the two people from across the room.

He knows that shirt anywhere. The blue button-up that he himself picked out for Minhyun when they went shopping a few weeks ago and the one whose top button he fastened just before he left their apartment this morning. He knows it’s Minhyun by the way his dark hair is swept to the side with a few strands left in front to form his bangs; from the way he holds himself, slender and strong. It’s clear as day even in this poorly lit room, that the person he’s looking at is none other than his boyfriend.

What Jihoon doesn’t understand though, why he dropped his drink leaving it to break on the floor and freezing his entire body and mind afterwards, is why his said boyfriend is pulling another person—another man—into his personal space. Pressing their bodies together, their _crotches,_ while he sucks his mouth in a kiss that looks too real and too deep to ever be an accident.

"Jihoon."

He hears Jaehwan's voice from beside him, but it's oddly detached and too far away even though he's just there. Jihoon's still staring at the two of them making out, Minhyun's hands gripping the other person's waist as a hand goes to his chest. Maybe he drank too much, doesn't know what he's doing, doesn't know that it's not Jihoon he's currently ravishing like that. Or maybe _he's_ the one who drank too much. Maybe the drink Jaehwan passed him a few minutes ago wasn't as light like he said. He's never been that good at holding his alcohol, and maybe it's playing tricks on his mind now.

It's this line of reasoning that pushes him to walk forward, ignoring Jaehwan's voice which at this point is close to indecipherable. Jihoon needs to make sure he's not hallucinating, make sure that this isn't real. That the burning he feels in his chest as he passes through the crowd and gets closer isn't his heart caving in on itself. He needs to make sure that Minhyun isn't doing this to him.

"My roommate's out tonight, Minhyunie. We have the place all to ourselves later."

"He went out or you _kicked_ him out?"

"Same difference. I told him we wouldn't be as quiet as before so—"

The other person is the first to notice him, and despite the blows he just took with what he overheard, Jihoon can still tell with point clarity the recognition in the other man's eyes. He knows Jihoon. He knows who he's wrapped around with and he knows what he's doing. What _they're_ doing.

"Ren? What's wrong?"

The name rings a bell in Jihoon's head, loud and clear and jostling the contents of his mind. But he doesn't have time to ponder over anything when Minhyun starts to turn around and their eyes meet. It only takes a millisecond for Minhyun to jump a foot away from the other person— _Ren_ —and for his pair to grow imperceptibly wide. Jihoon can recognize the panic, the fear. So much that he can feel it himself.

"Jihoon. W-what—I can explain."

That's when it all crumbles. It's in those few words that Jihoon knows what's happening—what's _been_ happening—all this time. The burning in his chest intensifies, the heat travelling to all the parts of his body and overwhelming his senses. He feels everything all at once; the tears sliding down his cheek, the uncontrollable shaking of his hands, the shortness of breath, the ringing in his ears. He wants to say something. _Anything_. But even his jaw is trembling and pulling the corners of his mouth down.

It takes an immense amount of effort to take a step back, and even then he fails at it; stumbling backwards that shocks Minhyun into action, reaching out but his hands are deftly slapped away by the one who catches Jihoon from behind.

"Don't you dare come any closer," Jaehwan says from beside him, and the chill that runs down Jihoon's spine from the tone of his voice alone is further amplified when he looks at the face he's making. Jaehwan is livid, all traces of his carefree happiness from earlier gone.

"Jaehwan—"

"NO!"

Jaehwan's voice is so loud, so strong that everyone nearby, including Jihoon, jumps at the mere force of it. It shuts Minhyun up effectively, the hand reaching for them falling to his side.

"I swear I'll break your fingers if you so as much touch a hair on his head Minhyun," he says in warning, causing another cold chill to travel the length of Jihoon's back. The next thing he knows is he's being pulled out of the scene, walking in tow of Jaehwan's grip out into the night air and back into his car.

Everything's happening so fast, spinning out of control beyond his fingers. But the moment his eyes land on the pink lunchbox sitting on the dashboard is when the whirlwind finally slows down to a stop,when Jihoon loses it entirely. The quiet of the car gives his mind some semblance of peace while it goes in different directions all at the same time trying to make sense of what just happened. The tears won’t stop falling, and he keeps replaying in his head the image of Minhyun kissing another man. His boyfriend of three years, the person he trusted and leaned on the most. The person he devoted his whole life to.

Jaehwan sees him and immediately grabs the lunch box and throws it in the backseat before starting his car, but it doesn’t do anything at this point. Jihoon is reeling, piecing together and grasping for what went wrong. What _he_ did wrong. Did he become too much of a burden after the accident? Did it become too much for Minhyun to handle all his problems? The nightmares, the panic attacks? Did he grow bored from not having sex anymore? He thinks back to every moment they had recently, all the words they said to each other, all the kisses they shared.

It all starts to make sense then; why Minhyun always came home late, why he never asked Jihoon out anymore, why he never says I love you back. Everything was a lie.

“Jihoon.”

Jaehwan’s voice somehow brings him back to reality, and he realizes they’ve stopped moving. the view from his window tells him that they're currently parked near Jaehwan’s dorm.

“Are you okay with staying with me tonight? I don’t want you to go back to your apartment.”

The concern in his voice does it, and the reality of what just happened in the past half hour finally sinks in. It all becomes too much for him. His chest hurts, his throat. His palms that are being pierced by his own fingernails. It’s all so overwhelming that he doesn’t even know if he’s fully in control of himself when he pulls Jaehwan by the collar and kisses him smack on the lips. It’s messy, a little painful, and he can clearly feel Jaehwan resisting but Jihoon pulls him down harder, presses his lips more firmly. It’s numbing, the sensation making him feel something other than the pain that it eggs him on to go deeper; opening his mouth, using his tongue, breathing him in.

Except it’s not Minhyun he’s kissing, and the sudden clarity of that fact makes him taste the saltiness dripping down his face. He’s still holding on to Jaehwan’s shirt even after he’s pulled away, because the sobs are too much now—racking his body and shaking him up that it almost becomes impossible to breath. He makes an incoherent sound, a cross between a scream and a stutter, and he feels Jaehwan’s fingers prying himself off of his grip.

He panics a little when he leaves the car, thinking that he finally did it. That he’s crossed another line and someone is leaving him again. It forces out another weak wail from him until the passenger door opens and he’s suddenly being carried in Jaehwan’s arms where he buries his head on his shoulder the whole way up to his unit.

“You can sleep here tonight,” Jaehwan says when they finally reach his room, putting Jihoon down on his bed . “Do you want something to drink? I can—”

“I’m sorry,” Jihoon wheezes out, his hands clutching at Jaehwan’s shirt again. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry…”

“Jihoon—”

“It's all my fault. I shouldn’t have been a brat. I should’ve just behaved and stopped bugging my dad while he was driving.” His voice comes out in strains, cracking and crumbling at the edges, cut by his sobs. “He would’ve seen the red light. We wouldn’t have to crash and they wouldn’t have to die.”

“Jihoon, stop—”

“Maybe hyung wouldn’t have grown tired of me. Maybe he wouldn’t have felt so stressed with all my fucking baggage and he wouldn’t have to screw someone else. I could've been a better boyfriend. I could've—"

"Hey!" Jaehwan cuts him off, falling to his knees so that his face is level with Jihoon's from his seat on the edge of his bed. His face is held in between his hands, and Jihoon can see how watery his friend's eyes are.

"This isn't your fault, Jihoon. _None_ of this is your fault, do you hear me? Minhyun's an idiot for doing this to you and it's all on him. Not you."

Jihoon doesn't know what else to say and just dips his head as the tears flow out more. If this is all on Minhyun like Jaehwan says it is, then why does it feel like it's his heart that's being crushed and trampled? Why is it that he's the one breaking down into a mess here? Why is he the one suffering?

"I'm sorry, hyung—b-back in the car...I—"

"Shh, it's okay. It's okay," Jaehwan whispers against his ear, wrapping his arms around him while he cries in his chest. It's all he can do really, clutch on to something tangible—something real that can take him away from the growing hole of nothingness spreading inside his chest.  To let the tears and sobs roll off his body to make the pain feel a little more bearable.

 

**_Minhyunie♡ :_ ** _Jihoon…_

**_Minhyunie♡ :_ ** _where are you now?_

**_Minhyunie♡ :_ ** _Jihoon please...please come home. Please talk to me._

 

**_Minhyunie♡ :_ ** _Jihoon, I'm sorry._

**_Minhyunie♡ :_ ** _please just answer my calls. I want us to talk. Please._

 

**_Unknown Number :_ ** _Jihoon I'm so sorry...I made a mistake. Jihoon, please talk to me._

 

"I know he's in there Jaehwan."

"So?"

"Let me talk to him. He's my boyfriend, I have every right—"

"Wow. You're an even bigger idiot than I put you for then."

"Jaehwan."

"I don't fucking care what you think you are to him Minhyun. He doesn't want to see you nor does he want to have anything to do with you. The sooner you accept that, the better it is for everyone."

A door slams, and when footsteps come padding in, Jihoon closes his eyes and pretends to sleep.

 

***

 

"Jihoon?"

He pauses the video he’s watching on his phone when Jaehwan calls him, looking up to see him walking over to the sofa.

“Hey, listen. I got my finals exams later, and my classmates are going to have a little party to celebrate afterwards. I was kinda thinking of going. Do you think you’ll be okay here by yourself?”

The question sends a sharp pang to Jihoon's chest that he hopes doesn't show on his face. It’s not too long ago when Minhyun used to say the exact same thing to him.

"Of course," he answers with a nod, forcing a smile to keep Jaehwan from worrying. He’s already done so much for him, and the last thing Jihoon wants is to be a burden. "You go and have fun. You’ve been studying so hard, you deserve it."

Jaehwan smiles at him, comes forward to pat his head and ruffle his hair a bit. "You can invite Daehwi and the others if you want. I just downloaded some new movies in my laptop you can watch."

"I'll be okay hyung. Don't worry." He forces his smile more, a little relieved when Jaehwan looks like he believes it.

"Okay. There's some fried rice in the fridge in case you get hungry." Jaehwan points out on his way to the door, getting his shoes ready. "Eat up, okay? You haven't been eating much lately and I'm starting to wonder if you're an impostor or something."

Jihoon chuckles, albeit forced. "Okay. I'll see you later, hyung. Good luck with your exams."

When the door shuts in front of him and he's left alone, it only takes a few seconds for the entire setting to take a familiar turn. It's only been two weeks since that night at the bar, two weeks since he’d practically moved in Jaehwan’s apartment. And while this isn't really the first time he’s left alone here, Jihoon can't really say it's gotten any easier since then.

He hates the silence; it’s so deafening that it always comes a point where Jihoon’s ears start to ring from the nothingness. It doesn’t help that he practically has nothing to do, nothing to occupy himself with besides scroll through phone. There’s only so much social media to keep his brain distracted, and eventually pulling down to refresh his timeline doesn’t bring him anything new anymore. All his stuff is still at Minhyun's apartment too, and playing games or watching movies like Jaehwan suggests doesn’t really do anything for him anymore either.

When Jaehwan's around it becomes a little easier, even when Jihoon barely makes conversation. It's still comforting to have another person in the room, and with Jaehwan that usually entails accompaniment in the form of music, random humming, and guitar strums.

But his hyung is a graduating senior too, and he along with all his other friends have school and exams to attend. The fact is, it's becoming more and more of a painful reminder for Jihoon that out of everyone around him, he's the only one without his life put together. A college dropout, left an orphan and practically homeless. His part-time job at the cafe sustains him enough, but even he knows that it's not something in his life that's going anywhere.

It didn't use to be this depressing when he had Minhyun. Before, even if there was the possibility that he had to be a cafe barista forever, he wouldn't have minded as long as he came home to his boyfriend. He was happy in a small way, but now even his only source of happiness has turned his back on him.

He's gotten so used to the tears at this point that when he feels some sliding down his face again, it doesn't come as a surprise anymore. The constriction he feels in his chest leaving him short of breath is a different matter entirely, however, and it’s one thing he doesn't know how to get accustomed to no matter how many times it hits him. He looks at the wall clock above Jaehwan's shelf and sees that it's only been five minutes since he left, and it’s driving him insane. The urge to call his other friends is strong, but not as strong as his fear of imposing himself too much over them and becoming a burden. He loves his friends to the moon and back, but if Minhyun—the angel of his life that was Minhyun—was able to leave him like he did, Jihoon now knows never to push that boundary with the others.

It takes a few more seconds for him to completely lose it, and when he does it becomes an unbearable spiel. Restlessness kicking in, Jihoon grabs his phone and puts on his shoes, finally deciding to go out for the first time. He doesn't know where he's going or what he's even hoping to do. All he knows is that he can't stand another minute sitting alone.

 

He takes the subway, and Jihoon finds himself near the heart of downtown Seoul wandering aimlessly through the throngs of people enjoying Friday night out on the sidewalk. The night is moderately cool, just shy of summer that the black shirt  he’s sporting is enough to keep him comfortable. He looks at the bystanders around him, all dressed and plastered with smiles full of excitement for the weekend. He remembers how he and Minhyun used to spend their TGIF’s too, cozying up in their apartment sofa and watching movies with take-out chicken on the table.

The memory alone is enough to drive him to do something he doesn’t usually do again, and soon Jihoon is walking inside the next pub he passes. The place is quaint, not too small and not too big, with a casual atmosphere coupled with the Friday energy that leaves everyone in the room in animated chatter.

Jihoon worms his way through the crowd, avoiding the rushing waiters carrying trays of finger foods and expensively mixed drinks. He spots the main bar a few steps in and decides to stick there for a bit since it’s the only respectable place for a lone patron like him to stay at.

“Can I have a Mojito please?” Jihoon asks when the barista passes, who promptly ignores him that he has to repeat himself. “Umm, one Mojito please.”

An exasperated sigh and a worn out look is all he gets, right before the guy rounds on him. “I’m gonna need to see an ID _sir,”_ the barista drawls, and Jihoon tries his best to look as mature and intimidating as he can be when he pulls out one from his wallet.

This time he gets a grunt and a curt nod, a few minutes later a haphazardly made drink is sloshed towards his direction. Jihoon doesn’t go out much, especially to bars, but he’s sure the urge to punch this jerk in the face is pretty acceptable considering the way he’s being treated. So much for not feeling any shitier.

The drink tastes amazing though, and he can feel the coolness traveling down his throat with a satisfying kick. He enjoys it so much that he doesn’t even notice that he’s gulping down the last drop in a matter of minutes. He’s thirsty for more, but the thought of ordering again gets him to gingerly check the contents of his wallet first—only to be disappointed.

“Umm, excuse me? How much was the Mojito again?” He swallows his pride and asks, only to be left with more disappointment when the barista answers him. Pathetic, he can’t even pay to have another drink.

“Two mojitos please.” Jihoon hears a man from beside him, and he involuntarily pouts at the irony. The barista even makes it quicker for him, and a lot more appealing than the one he’d thrown him earlier.

He’s about to leave, already pushing himself out of his stool when one of the two drinks that just arrived is sliding in his direction. Jihoon faces the other person, a little surprised to find that he’s eyeing him with a raised eyebrow, a smirk on his face.

“Go on,” the person says, sliding the glass just a smidge more.

“Ah, s-sorry. I shouldn’t...”

“Why not? Your boyfriend not allowing you to take drinks from a stranger?”

The word ‘boyfriend’ hits something hard inside him, sending a fresh wave of heart-searing pain all across his torso. It’s this sensation that gets him to take his stool back and grab the drink he’s being offered, gulping down half in one shot.

“Thank you, umm—”

“Donghan,” the guy supplies with a smile.

“Ah. I’m Jihoon.” He smiles back, in what he hopes is one of his polite and charming ones. It’s been a while since he felt that need to smile so he’s a little afraid of it coming out disingenuous. “Umm, I’d really love to pay you back, but I’m stupid and I didn’t bring enough cash with me tonight.”

“It’s okay. You looked like you needed it.” Donghan winks at him, and it’s only then that Jihoon realizes how handsome he looks. “So what’s the problem? Care to share it with a stranger?”

“Umm...I don’t—no problem here. Just drinking on a Friday night like everyone else.”

Jihoon gets a scoff in response and a slight chuckle that he’s never going to admit is doing things to his body.

“Please, you practically look like every sad male lead in a show drama drinking their problems away,” he says before taking a swig of his own drink, pulling out that smirk of his again. “As handsome as one too.”

Jihoon’s only had a glass and a half of mixed alcohol, but already he can’t tell if the blush he feels rushing to his cheeks comes from the mojito or from the compliment.

“Umm, thanks? I guess.” He laughs, surprising himself that it actually comes out naturally. Maybe the drinks are really working. “But seriously, no problems here.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Then don’t.” Jihoon shrugs, pulling out his own smirk. Donghan stares at him some more, leaning back on his chair a full minute later with a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Tell you what. How ‘bout we play a little game?” He suggests, the playful arch of his eyebrow also joining the list of things that are currently doing something to Jihoon’s body. “I make a guess at what’s bothering you enough to come out here and drink by yourself and if I guess correctly—” He leans forward, tapping the side of his face. “—you give me a kiss on the cheek.”

Jihoon can only blink dumbly at the proposal. It’s been a long time since someone’s flirted with him. He never really goes out much alone so most of the people who he sometimes sees are eyeing him out on bars and clubs like this are deterred by the presence of his friends. But they’re not here now, and a stranger is making moves on him because of it. He’s gotta admit, it feels nice.

“What if you guess wrong then?” Jihoon teases back, hoping his game isn’t too off and rusty.

“Your call. The sky’s the limit,” Donghan says, a soft laugh following his words. “So do we have a deal?”

Jihoon’s already nodding before he can even begin to think of what the consequences are, grabbing his drink and taking a huge sip before he answers. “Deal.”

Donghan then proceeds to lean forward, dangerously close to Jihoon’s face that he finds his cheeks feeling warm again. It’s not unlike being viewed through the lens of a microscope, and Jihoon wills his heart not to beat as fast as it’s going when their eyes meet.

“You confessed your feelings to someone and the person rejected you,” Donghan says with conviction, and Jihoon for the life of him actually can’t hold back his laugh.

“Wow, you’re really following through with the cliche-drama trope, aren’t you?”

“So I’m wrong? Darn it. I thought I had it.”

Jihoon laughs some more, enjoying the sudden lightness in his chest. “I guess that means I get to choose my end of the bet.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Donghan leans back again, waving a dismissive hand. “What do you want then? Another drink?”

Jihoon ponders for a moment, inhaling the smell of the people around him mixed with the scent of alcohol in the air. All this flirting and game-chasing is really doing a number on him. It’s only been a few minutes and already he feels his earlier thoughts are pushed to the farthest corners of his mind. The exhilaration is addicting, and he pushes himself to the limit the very next second before he can chicken out and doubt himself.

Donghan’s lips taste like the exquisite drink they just had, only warmer and probably ten times better. He feels a tingle in his chest, a small spark travelling all the way to his fingertips. Jihoon hasn’t kissed anyone like this in a long time, but he feels like he’s still got it when he flicks his tongue at the very last second before pulling away, enjoying how Donghan literally follows the trail he leaves behind.

“You kissed me,” he says dumbly, and Jihoon bathes in the pride of having successfully turned the tables on him.

“So I did.”

“But I thought I didn’t guess right? I lost.”

“Yup.” Jihoon nods, smirking. “But you said to kiss you on the cheek if you won. And that I get to choose  what I want if you lose.”

Donghan laughs, his eyes glinting. “If you all you wanted was my lips, all you had to do was ask, you know.”

“But where’s the fun in that?” Jihoon counters, getting bolder by the second and inching himself closer. “And who says your lips are _all_ I want? Wanna play another game?”

He sees Donghan visibly gulp and shudder when the sudden breach in proximity. His eyes darken with something that Jihoon is sure isn’t a trick of the light.

“How ‘bout I take you home instead? _Then_ I can show you how to really play,” he says, his voice dropping a few bars lower that reverberates something within Jihoon. It’s so addicting, this pulsing feeling he gets, that he finds himself nodding without a second’s hesitation.

Next thing he knows he’s being thrown in a foreign bed, his shirt discarded somewhere in the room. For the first time in a long while, he feels so much and so little at the same time. No more loneliness. No more pain.

 

***

 

“You’re leaving?”

Jihoon’s already in his underwear by the time he gets out of Donghan's bathroom, eyes busy scouting for his pants and ignoring the still naked bed owner. The sun is up, shining through the blinds and Jihoon is in major need of a shower.

“I have to go to work later. Sorry.”

“Oh. Do you have a few minutes to spare?” Donghan asks, sitting up on his mattress. “There’s a bakery downstairs that makes really good red bean buns. We can have breakfast before you go.”

Jihoon’s just finished putting his shirt back on, heading to the mirror to check his reflection—and to see if he’s got any noticeable marks he’d have to hide. So far he’s clean.

“Yah. Jihoon.”

“What are you doing?” Jihoon finally faces him, turning around with raised eyebrows that surprises the other.

“Umm...sorry?”

“This,” Jihoon says, gesturing to him. “Asking me if I have time for breakfast? Inviting me to eat bread?”

Donghan just blinks at him, the words lost in his mouth. It takes a few minutes that Jihoon uses to find his phone and wallet.

“Sorry, I’m kinda lost. Are you allergic to bread or something?”

With all his belongings finally on him, Jihoon turns to him again with his arms crossed and an exasperated sigh. “Do I have to spell out the word ‘hook-up’ to you? Or is it not already obvious.”

It leaves Donghan speechless for a second time, merely blinking at him before his eyebrows dip into a small frown. “Wow. If I knew you were going to be this rude then I wouldn’t have brought you over in the first place.”

“But you did.” Jihoon deadpans, eyes already checking his phone and looking at the screen with a wall of notifications. “But that was last night. And now it’s time to move on.”

“You know, it’s people like you with this is the kind of attitude that takes away the value of having relationships.”

Jihoon pockets his phone again, staring blankly at Donghan who looks like he’s this close to throwing him out the window. He has so much to say to what he just said, so much to lash back with that he’s sure will leave him speechless again. But Jihoon holds his tongue—he’s already gotten what he needs, and there’s really no point for anything more.

“Whatever.” He scoffs, already turning around and leaving the room.

“Yeah. Whatever. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!”

Jihoon ignores the venom there, heading out the front door with complete disinterest. As he walks and holds on to the lingering high he feels from the sex. It’s not enough to stop the hole from growing, but it’s enough to make him forget that it’s there, even for a little while.

 

***

 

"Where is he?!—you know very well what I'm talking about Minhyun!"

Jihoon's hand freezes on the door knob, thinking his ears must be playing tricks on him. He can hear Jaehwan shouting inside, which is never a good sign.

"I swear Minhyun if you did anything I’ll—fuck."

Jaehwan breathes an audible sigh of relief when Jihoon enters the apartment, and he immediately drops the call and his phone before walking over to wrap him in a tight hug.

"Where were you?? God, Jihoon I was so worried."

"I stayed over at a friend's house." He answers tightly, panicking a little when Jaehwan suddenly pulls back and stares him down at arms length.

"Which friend?" Jaehwan frowns, blinking confusedly. "I called each of the guys and they told me they haven't seen you all night."

"It's a few people from my theatre class before. They invited me over and I thought it'd be good for me to go out." Jihoon bites his lower lip, hoping the lie sounds convincing enough. The expression on Jaehwan's face never changes from the frown though, and his eyes are like needles probing into his soul. Just when he thinks he’s busted and that he can see right through him, the grip on his shoulder relaxes.

"Why didn't you tell me? You could've texted or left a note,” Jaehwan says, his voice softening. “Do you know I didn't even sleep last night?"

Suddenly the dark circles under Jaehwan’s eyes pop out more, coupled with the crease in his brows and the redness on the edges of his eyes. Jihoon feels something swimming in his gut then, something vile and dirty.

"I'm sorry." He looks down in shame, completely expecting his hyung to leave and walk away. To not give a damn about him, abandon him like Minhyun.

But Jaehwan only comes closer, hugging him again.

"Just don't scare me like that again, okay?" He says softly, running a soothing hand down his back. "The others are worried sick too. Especially Daehwi."

Jihoon feels a sudden lump shoot up to lodge itself in his throat at Jaehwan’s words and at the sound of his voice. He feels like its his heart, and it takes him a few quiet breaths for him to swallow it back down and speak.

"I'll call them. I'll explain."

The tension turns down a notch when they pull apart and he sees Jaehwan breaking into a small smile, a light chuckle lacing his words. "You better. _I'm_ not facing Daehwi's wrath. That's the best punishment you can get for going M.I.A on me." Jaehwan flicks a finger to his forehead, laughing.

"I'm sorry again for worrying you."

Jaehwan gives his shoulders a light squeeze then, nodding. "Just promise you’ll never do it again, okay?"

Jihoon just smiles, promising with a nod back. When the debacle feels like it’s settled to a better peace, Jaehwan tells him he's going to crash for the rest of the day so Jihoon proceeds to get his much awaited shower.

He washes away the activities of last night; the dried entrails on his stomach that he’s not even sure whose is, the tiredness in his muscles that feel like they haven’t been used in so long, and the soreness of some of his nether body parts. What he doesn’t try to wash off though is the guilt he feels swimming in his stomach again, heavy and laden with the lies that just came out of his mouth. Instead he embraces it, lets himself get used to the kind of poison it brings because the guilt he feels for lying to his hyung is ultimately better than everything else that’s just below the surface. And as he stands there in the bathroom with the water trickling down his body, Jihoon says a silent apology to Jaehwan, to Daehwi, and to everyone else he troubled with his actions. Because he doesn’t think he’ll be stopping any time soon.

 

**Author's Note:**

> This was totally unplanned, and I really had no intention of writing this but the idea just kept bouncing in my head all week and I couldn't help myself lol. It's kinda messy, but I hope you still enjoyed reading.


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